diary page 0
private stock cigs w/out inhaling while P & J smoke 
much dope and drink many beers. Just went out on the
porch and pissed into the snow. P had started the
trooper and it was expelling exhaust as he cleaned the 
windshield and the white fog smoke was drifting up into
the black sky and the trees white outlines peered out of the
black at me. and I ate some snow from of the hand rail
all in all a good time had. Now on[?] 81 North bumpy.
Saw The Cook the Thief his Wife & her Lover
at the ___ with P, J & J on P's big $50
TV and B's throbbing VCR. ___ __. Picked 
up an older black man. He was going back 
to GA. Heading North to truck stop. Bought a 
can of Ozium spray __ sanitizer from him
for $3.50 so he could get something to eat.
clarence was his name. His hands were very cold.
Said he was up here to pick apples & had a heart
attack or something. Now I sit in cousin D's truck out in 
front of Sunrise Electric, Inc. He's getting stuff for a job at
the Cs where his wedding reception was. I'm going to M the 
irridologist at 1:30 today for an appointment. Woke up this 
morning with one of those head neck muscle aches shitty. Ate 2 
eggs fried ala D broken yolk and toast & protein powder
in freshly squeezed orange grapefruit juice. Now in Honesdale
waiting for Uncle J to return from Healthfood store. He
left the car running for me but I turned it off. Just listening to
the radio. Reminds me of P n A sitting in the Blue
4 runner at new years in the dark with the engine on & heat
going blowing smoky steamy gas into the night. Burn
gas for comfort. Does it really seem so silly. Things are
a little screwed up maybe here. Cars in the shop
alternator. could be big money. Not so confident about 
getting the right flight. B B called my mom.
I guess he and A are coming to New York for S's play. It's cold
8 below yesterday morning. there's a brown van with NY
plates in front of me in the ACME parking lot in Honesdale, the tag
number is DR8926 Commercial. R sent me a neato cane. I'm 
waiting for some pills & stuff I guess. Some ice just fell off that
brown van. It's cold but the sun shines warmly upon the
world. Saw Alien3 and Universal Soldier last night. Went to Scranton
today - library. Steamtown National Historic Site. Pretty neat.
Went to Everhart Museum but being Monday it sure was closed. Nice
library with HS across with BOYS on right and GIRLS on left. old
Went to Prufrocks a bookstore & cafe @ 350 Adams Ave which is right by
Mulberry. Neat place. I ate cheese on Pita w/ Basil Mint tea and bagel w/ not
enough cream cheese. Bought some Pony shoes for $15.00 from missing

eyelet[?]. Now I'm on Pakistan Air Lines flight 716 which feels 
strangely like the beginning of my death
but what the hell. I left my car with D and she
half drunkenly drove us to JFK with slight misdirected 
detours. Plane load of smelly Europeans esp. French and
not to mention the Pakistanis, but I feel not not too bad. My luggage
was stolen out of my car while I sat
comfortably chatting with T H in the Village. A bomb 
went off in the World Trade Center. Some kind of Croats
claimed responsibility. What the hell. The bastards that stole
my shit sure didn't get much of value from my car. they
did fuck up the lock though, and took my dad's 63 duffle bag. 
fuck that pisses me off a bit. Probably just threw most 
of that shit away. B will get a laff maybe. So I 
have a cane, gloves, hat, sweater, jacket, shirt, T shirt
(extra T shirt, tooth brush, shoulder bag, scarf, extra socks
-courtesy D) jeans (black) paisley underwear, green 
socks, waffled cotton long underwear and new Pony shoes
glasses too. passport etc, wallet, but that's about it except for 
an empty plastic Poconos water bottle. I don't know if
that's Arabic or Hindi "No Smoking" & stuff written over
the English. Oh by the way, why the hell am I here with $260 and
what the fuck am I doing. Dont' know, maybe death
throes. So all that effort for the protein & pills pissed away
for nothing not to mention money. What should I
have done? Trunk maybe. Something smells like piss.
Let's see now. I'm ln ORLY. Just called J's but no answer
I have just spent 350 Francs for a SNCF to Brest. that was on
credit card. I just spent 32F on this bus to Montparnasse.
Vacation in terms of cash outlay. Shit. I looked at the license
plates outside and they are not at all American, ha, but French instead.
How surprised. I think I'm somewhere else, what is it that I am doing here.
I bought a phone card for 50 F out of some fella's pocket.
Parle Vous Anglais? Yes I speak English. Strange questionable types
hanging around the fax machine. I'm stumbling but learning
first one must dial 16 before calling Brest. I hope I do not miss my
train. I must look out the windows in amazement now. It's cold
as shit in this Montparnasse station. my hands are red cold, my breath 
fogs out, my nose is runny. I just ate a piece of roll & some 
processed cheese spread & crackers from the flight. Had some great
vegetarian spicy hot allo bagee as the meal. It's breezy in here 
too. My hand is getting raw also from the cane. I called J & spoke
to him for 5 marks leaving 41 on the card. Sounds good. This
feels nonsensically real. Damn pigeons. flat lands, agricultural
indeed. high speed. I just ate a bar & an orange courtesy D.
We slow. There is a clicky crackly sound like dust or dirt or hail
I just got a long explanation from the conductor in French and a
Parle Vous Anglais brought

diary page berlin 

a very nice shrug of the shoulders - Perhaps that sound is rain
even on the motorway the cars stand still
when they look at us. and a whoosh wham and jerk to 
the side when we pass another demon going the other way, I 
had three + seats to myself on the plane for lying down.
Now I'm corralled & stiffened by mom & son & daughter. I looked
out & saw a hawk hovering over green grass & 
lord knows what else. A cow with its calf. I've been drifting in and
out of precious sleep wiping occasional drool off the corner of my
mouth whether it's there or not. Factories, towns and farms. Young kid,
who screamed and yelled when mom left has small stuffed buffalo
which he holds and strokes with one or two fingers while sucking his
ever loving thumb.  and also nice blue hat knight's hood thing.
gets the hair of the thing between two fingers & pulls & also works his feet
at the same time, really great stuff.  How green it is even in 
February. Now the train is at Rennes & I'm hoping no one will sit
next to me although it don't much matter. Ha, I'm in luck
now we move and neben setz nicht gesetzt. Oh sex. how 
can we forget sex.  Beautiful here.  Lumpy little hedge around
hills with evening sun shining out in all directions from a cloud.
Just passed Cafe l'Abbatoir.  I kind of feel like I need to shit,
but I've tried twice & can't.  Pollarded trees. So hungry now. I haven't 
eaten much today.  Customs & Immigration were a breeze -
right on through no line even, just fill out a yellow card &
nothing to declare. Now very close to Brest. Now in Lorient
south of Brest.  Already i have eaten much good vittles and 
drunk much good tea and now a good espresso or is it just coffee
for a mere 5F. I am waiting for a sandwich which I am not sure 
will ever come it's been so long. I have watched some TV and
some snow. It never snows in Brest except when I am here. 5th
floor. 2 rooms, it's so great. I almost feel however that it's somehow
a waste. To but more on that later. I even now still don't feel write.
Holland aka Netherlands. 140 Km/h Motorway from Maastricht
towards Aken (Aachen) saw a man standing on one of these nice
thing slab Eurobridges wind flapping his large black trousers.
Berlin Gegen Gewalt Da konnte ja jeder helfen nach sie als Zeuge 
von Gewalt täten Helfen sie demopfer. Es braucht Ihrenschutz. usw
Miteinander leben in Berlin. I just rode S3 all the way out to Erkner
in the East through forests & everything. On the train, having got on 
like me at Zoologisches Gartens was a bunch of Eastern European women.
obnoxiously loud. Ausländer lass vielleicht. Dirty little kids
but anyway here I sit on S3 waiting to go back again. I have so many
impressions it seems impossible to even really begin to write
about them even the ordinary observations like the toilets with the 
drain in the front and slight bowl in the back for the poo.
I have just seen the Etrusker and Europa exhibits in the Altes Museen
and I am sitting in the Cafe somewhat cold and sort of waiting for the
others, them being N, J, C und L, but maybe they are waiting

for me somewhere. I don't know. I guess I'll get up and walk
around again soon, but it's colder out there
and looking at the exhibits tired me out, backwise. I really love
the old apartment building in O Berlin. The cement flaking off the
bricks in patches; it's so cold & citylike & Euro-like. F has
like an oven heating element in the toilet which electric for is 
paid by the landlord. by The television tower is just outside the
window here. I guess I'll get up and mill around a while.
Now I'm in the Cafe Westphal. Just ate Ägyptisches food for 6 and
F J's friend paid w/ AmEx. A lot of money. This place is
packed with people seeming most interesant. I have a strong 
desire to speak and even write auf Deutsch but feel so inhibited at 
my inexpertise. The smoke in here hits my eyes. Berlin has
been dusted with snow. Got a great view of the Siegessäule von Wim
Wenders Wings of Desire. J just told me about ATA - E.
German cleaning salts that everyone knows/knew and how it's a 
cultural icon and stuff and there was a joke. Reagan says
we have a bomb that will clean out a whole city Brezhnev we have
a bomb that will clean out a while area of a country and 
Honecker, well we have ata & that cleans out everything. Wow 
culture. Heidelberg at the 'Hard Rock' Cafe. Black man sitting
at the bar eats spaghetti w/ meatballs. American military cemetary
and Monument. So much semi-funny stuff. [sign] Silence & Respect. lots of 
complimentary adverbs and adjectives. Patton buried here. 2 miles away are
buried 18000 German troops, their crosses are granite. These Italian 
marble. "Herculean" etc. Now in Luxembourg Blue flag on the number
plates with a circle of yellow stars. Hillside valley trains
bridges. I'm tired from walking today which is regrettable. The walk
in Bad Wimpfen was what did it I guess, or is it coffee or just
the simply degeneration. who knows. I guess I'd like to fuck though. Now
REM is over the radio. I'm very tired. Now at Ks parents house.
I've got that strange indescribable after being hit feeling in my
right shoulder. Some German film is on having been dubbed to
French TV. I'm tired now too. Walking with K out of Zoologische 
Garten stop, shoved out of the way by Feuerwehr. Somebody or
some body lying on the pavement against the U Bahn exit rail. 
walk on. "I just farted, I'm sorry, it won't happen again," 
says J. So the life of travelling behind us for now seemingly, Brest
apartment greets us with open arms of lethargy &/or grindstones.
Breakfast was bread baguettes & brie, feta, comte, Gouda cumin. I now
kind of wish I had some pictures taken of Berlin et al. Black & white.
N drew me a mini map of some things that I want to go to in Brest. That 
Egypt meal cost 200 marks. I talked quite a while with J's friend 
F. computers etc. in Cafe Westphal. We almost had not enough
money to pay our bill there. Just saw Arizona Dream for 29F
Got back & the door downstairs was locked as N unlocked it bum-
like figure moves closer & closer. I with my cane think, this fuck

diary page 2 

will hassle us, as I step in he says "Have a good night" in
English. And N says "good night" and I also
mumble it as the door shuts. Then I felt bad, the poor bastard
tries out his drunken english and a door in his face. I felt kind
of bad, but had mostly forgotten by the time I'd struggled up
2 1/2 flights. Then the toilet, then a nice yogurt. Now I am writing
as J & N talk cute in Greek & German & even make kissy noises 
and I occasionally look up into J's bowl of 2 used Qtips and 
milk bottomed side dried muesli bowl and I tried to keep
my asshole closed with my chin in my hand and on the way 
home hearing "Happy Birthday" to you sung in English
seemed so funny and out of context. The ends of those Qtips have
soaked up milk from the bottom of that bowl. Waiting for
bus 7 having gone the wrong way, from Place de Liberte, and
#7 is not so often by here it seems. It came, had coffee 
at Cafe fishing tackle place, then to Irish shop, then miles on the back
of J's bike. Now in the cold wind, tears clearing my vision
getting[?] cold listening to the musical cacophony of riggings on 
aluminum masts. I sit ever cold. & one wind surfer by the
beach. It's not really all that cold, just the wind. J went to show 
N his sailing class boats. Now I sit on bus #3 waiting at 
Paluren for the trip to begin. J & N took their bikes back already.[?]
I bought a ticket this time. partially as a souvenir, partially
because I'd be sitting a while & asking if this was the right one. Now
the bus starts. no wait, in 5 minutes. I took a shit in a WC by the
beach and there was nice graffiti there. A wonderful drawing of man's 
torso with womans underwear on. DEPART DANS 03 MIN. 03 AMURI[?]
RONAR. engines start & off we go. Now next day in K's Renault
4 driving around. Stopped at an American guys house on the 
coast. friend of K's. He's in Paris right now. Really great place,
complete with German bunkers. This car is white 1979 and
very rusted. shifter out of the dash. very small but strangely nice
and roomy. Saw another empty house K wanted to buy
430000 F for the house & 2 fields I guess about 90000 dollars. Saw wind
surfers going oh so fucking fast. K bought prawns, oysters,
clams and intestine sausage. They are back from their little walk now.
I'm getting hungry. Coffee's at Le Gabier bar in town where 
Exxon Cadiz happened leaving PORTSALL. There's this big rubber
spider that scares K. Now just ate a great dinner, the
four of us for 255F. at. Now I'm leaning against a stone wall
my back to the harbour, clink of lines against masts occasion
and it's not too cold. crepes with ham, mushroom & egg. Apertif.
Kir, cider, crepes chocolat, coffee, very good. Now I want to 
piss & shit. The other 3 went off for a walk. The water here
is so beautiful & greenish & clear. This place is the Relais du
Vaux Port, Creperie, Salon de The. Somewhere a light house is lashing
out against the night. I see the results. Again I do not pay. So

wonderfully gracious my hosts. So beautiful the countryside.
So many cats here in this fishing village. Ah, now they have 
returned. Now it's the next day and again I
have slept next to K. The peal of the church bells somewhat 
discordant all the more appealing. The fucking cutsy German of the J
and N couple often makes me want to vomit. I compare the
sound of recorded bells of cousin D's apartment to real
bells here. Maybe Brest & Bethany isn't fair, but even the general lack
of Jesus Saves signs in favor of aged stone crosses may make
me feel righteous. This table/cloth thing smells like seafood. Windows
thrown open to the sound of seagulls cars and even children. Sun
warming through & occasionally breezes chilly yet bright. While 
others work on preparing bkfst. Now up on the roof, of 30
rue Massillon. looking North West. Seagulls & cars. Ate slightly
sour yogurt with Vermont maple syrup. So many orange terra 
cotta chimneys poking out. Today I have my sweatre off for the
first time in a while. on the breezy roof of course it's chilly
but nice in the sun. Sitting in traffic outside of Brest. Car
stalled. Roll started by K, such a nice & rustly Renault
smally yet roomy. Now over a big bridge over the Rade de Brest. Last 
night light house of Ste. Mathew so silent yet so bright. Stars so
bright. J hops so fast on one foot to get his book. This
weedy grass sitting on J's brother F's gift to them a
nice tarp from the army once used as a tent in Africa. in front le
Rade, behind some kind of lakish thing with a stream running 
into the rocky beach. Auberge de pen or pont with a sign says 
Pelforth on it. Sailboats in the silent hazy distance. N
lying flat with J sitting on her pelvis, her hand behind her head,
his knees forward & his knife in hand. Even makes like he will scalp
her once. Says who knows what in French. On the roof, J
had previously dropped the window lid door Vasistas and
broken so he then taped it with scotch tape. The first rain may 
laff at it. That damn green pen ran out days ago. This
stupid writing. what's it for. It has a certain appeal, as all around me
speak so easily in French, this is my own private language to
speak only with myself and or the future. There are shut up dogs in 
the distance that just won't shut up. Lot's of chirping
birds too. There's a subject I have been avoiding. J is now climbing
all over the car to take a picture. Mostly concrete telephone
poles here. The other day, they talked to a man who was wearing
wooden shoes. I wonder why, as a revival, or because they
were just the kind he wore, certainly not because he couldn't get
anything else. But he seemed like he wasn't joking, grizzly and 
dirty was he. Stopped now. Chirping birds. J off down a path 
in the woods while N & K & Jeff sit on the voiture & 2
of them speak French. A large rock formation just offf to the 

diary page 3 
flat flower yellow flower obverse 

right past some trees a house ahead & to the left. Now J's on 
top of that rock formation & has called K, N left a while 
ago & now I sit alone again. K said
it's forbidden to stop here & didn't want to go, then J kept
calling & she gave in. At the rock, N brought yellow flowers which 
I put in this book to press maybe, but maybe will just fall out.
Now it's hazy & the engine is off & J occasionally Fred Flintstones
out the door as we roll down towards the bridge to Brest. 2
lanes of Sunday evening/night traffic. Today I went out to
K's house on the coast. There I had a sitting shower & 
actually got myself clean. K washed items including my socks
long johns T shirt & shirt. I have my T shirt on wet now 
under my sweater. My socks hang from the visor of K's 
car. Now we drink tea & K Chocolat pai[?] & I await pizza
shit frozen pizza eaten with fork & knife. away[?] here in this
UBO Brest cafe thing, I was thinking about how I was amazed 
when J talked of J living years in Berlin & not knowing 
German. J said it was great to ride the streetcar & not
have his mind distract him with the bullshit going on around
him. It's true, I sit here in a sea of conversation staring 
undistracted out the window. Are they talking about sex or me or
Japan or the party Tuesday last or next? I don't know or care.
I'm comfortable in my seeming isolation drinking shyte tea out of
a half-melted plastic cup. It's been days now but I did make
a lamb curry and Tarka Dahl and rice & curry yogurt & 1/4ed pit and 7
ate it. 2 French, German, Greek, English, Irish & me American.
J's pen this & how nice it is. Metal. Smoking is not prohibited
here in this cafe. Remember when you ate in the Hillhead Canteen.
This place reminds me somewhat of that. K got me a chocolat. 
This damp T shirt makes me chilly off & on & I don't like not
wearing socks. I have a nylon thread sticking out of this jacket
cuff. It gave me such pleasure to pull so many out of 
this jacket now they are precious. Stinks like sausages in here.
Ah this toilet, such a lovely green color, glass bricks, old,
wood ceiling. Stupid sappy tearful lovegirl with leaves poster with
canvas texture, broom, candle with burnt matches in holder,
pink toilet paper. Tirer Doucement written on Clara tank and new 
sign Priére de Laisser, Le toilettes propre! and on the
door occupe & non occupe, left from the war said J to
indicate whether German's were here or not. Today
I went out twice. Two long slow trips up & down them 4 flights.
Now I sit having eaten the last of last nights pizza and
a bowl of A&P muesli with milk & now a bowl of gunpowder
green tea. Last night K was at her one day/night a
week job at a boarding school, so I slept alone, not before
listening to J & N fuck wishing I was elsewhere or
asleep but also ready to burst out laughing. The night before

last while sleeping my hand did find its way to rest against 
the leg/ass of K, which is mighty fine. My imagination makes
it seem like she is more interested in me in a sexual way than before.
Indeed I find her quite attractive. A great body. Strange sort of 
strong beauty, maybe tough beauty, how to describe it, I don't
know. The beauty of a female terrorist. One not damaged but
only changed, matured by weather & time. But i have almost
purposefully kept myself in the dark about P and how
she is connected to this faceless name. While I would like 
very much to have sex with her, I would like just as much to not.
I bought 10 cards for 5 Franc today. Some really funny.
The guy (Halles St Martin) who took my money was funny. He, when 
he found out I spoke English said "five franc" then "o'clock" then
"please" reminded me of "mit messer und gabel" but I just saw
that I have M. M's address after all. It'll be funny to see if
he gets that card anyway. This morning I ate with J. He bought
milk, bread, yogurt and brie. We had other cheeses & coffee & tea
and muesli. N had already gone. We watched TV Rahan, Lucky Luke 
and Maxie (Barbie? absolutely stupid fucking shyte). Lucky Luke 
was funny even in French, Rahan was pretty cool, and pretty easy
to understand. Yes still I'd like to fuck. I dare not mention it to
my good friend J for fear he would try to help arrange it or something
like that. This 103.8 station is so fucking great. Suicidal, DRI,
Minor Threat even, then Lou Reed, Nick Cave, Negress Verte, Joy Division
so much great & a variety, almost everything I like. I'm so lucky
to be here. They take care of me. How many times have I been treated to 
dinner? breakfast? lunch? Just answered a call and they didn't 
speak English. Kind of funny. Too bad I speak no French.
Dammit though I like it here. Maybe I should get SSI & become
an expatriot. I'd fucking well like to. Saw Crying Game with N
last night. Pretty good. I just realised thats 2 sex change type of
films I've seen. Orlando & this. I just read the New Year's party part, 
pretty nice. It was a great time then though with B & P &
H & A & R & E & G & E & B & K & J & J & 
fuck C M even. they were all there to varying
degrees, but not one of the bastards is here. Hendrix on the Radio
Inertia. I am a victim of inertia, or maybe friction or both. If I sit, it's then
huge energy & will expenditure to stand, if I'm standing I tend to not want to 
sit because I know how hard it is to get up. Seems like 80% attitude 
though, easily overcome. Changed $50 today to 274 F - 20F commish to 254
with which I got the 2 banettes. Made the Saturday reservation
for flight to NY. Sad to even think of leaving. Money calls. And when
money calls I listen. Already it will be difficult to get straight. Today
Charlie's Angels was on, dubbed of course. Last night on at[?] 6 was
the Venus show, which was basically gratuitous nudity. Really
funny & amazing. Part was like some kind of game show where 
a chick seemed to lip sync & take her clothes off, actually she left her

diary page 4 

lace underwear on, then some gameshow looking guy came out,
then a more fully clothed woman. Then there was some love
scene from a 70's or early eighties
film, so strange. This is a Bic pen gift from N. But J just
dismisses the late night women shows as something for men over
40 or something, but for me it's like some really amazing & strange
phenomenon. Completely foreign to me to see that kind of stuff just
broadcast on regular TV. Today I've done nothing. K has her father's
car, the Jetta we took to Berlin, but it went to the shop for something today.
Yesterday there was almost no one playing Petanque because of St. Patrick's 
day. Someone out in the square is serenading the Petanquiers with
bongo drums and I like it. The radio. Petanque.
Kids playing, and the bongos, what a strange combination. people clap
and it starts again. Green socks match exactly green tongues of 
black shoes and I'm soon going to Comptoir Irlandais to post a 
letter to K. or a post card anyway. Last night another international type of
thing, French, Irish, American, German, Greek. Ham & potato & cheese food.
promits[?], pistachios, cider dry & sweet, water, dessert cake pie with maybe
something rhubarbish. and fresh cream (sour cream?) and thrice distilled
cider digestif as if a glutton and tisane. Here down by the harbour drinking 
water to J's heineken at plastic table in the hot sun as opposed to NYC
in the snow at Le Chasse Maree 28 Quai de la dovane 29200 Brest dog
J almost poured beer on is dirty white old & stiff looking with black
and brown spots. Always with coffee and tea come sugar cubes. The is 
a Honda van so small packed. a black dog at the place next to here to my 
left. Folded I sat on the black scarf D lent gave to me on
J's bike back rack and said my scarf wears many hats. The sun is
actually hot like last night I was with this jacket on. I've got my train 
ticket now for tomorrow at 6:34 to get to Paris 11 something. flight at
4:15 - airport at 2:15. arrive 18:30 NYC. Well then, on to the Irish Shop. I just sent
K a misleading postcard saying nothing sure about where I was but
which will be sent from Ireland, which is pretty funny I suppose,
but I should have maybe done it last week, or I guess it doesn't matter,
maybe even she might think it's someone else who sent it cuz I didn't 
actually sign my name to it. I took my sweater off because it's lighter
to carry than my jacket and I stuffed it into my left outboard pocket. There are
now 4 people at this bus stop. In the TGV to Paris. It's about 6:30 something in 
the am. The conductor just walked by. I'm in car 8 seat 82 last time I was in 
car 9 seat 88. Actually made it to the train with only a few minutes to spare
sat on the back of J's bike zooming down Rue Jaun Jaures with 
N riding ahead. Had a hurried (Russian haha) breakfast. Muesli, dark
dark rye, some soft cheese & a little coffee. I wish these train lights 
were more optional. Then maybe I could see sth 
outside. I'm pretty tired though, which I suppose is not bad, maybe
I'll sleep on the plane home. I can just make out the sky, slightly
lightened against the foreground of trees and other dark items. I
wish I'd left a little earlier then maybe I could have bought a 
Stern or Spiegel to read or look at. Last night J & N had a
great big argument. Actually mostly N, but I was surprised at how

much German I could understand, not nearly all of course, but 
quite a bit. Did I remark
before about how solidly built K's house which she
guessed to be 10 yrs old was. Anyhow, it was long and I 
found myself getting really tensed up. Also it was hard at times to 
keep from laughing as J several times openly did, angering 
her more. Soemthing about not including her & ignoring her 
existence especially a bike trip this weekend. I can certainly
see that J can be a real jerk, but huge crying productions make
one want to puke and maybe all it does is disgust J also. I don't 
know, maybe it's just part of their relationship. I feel kind of bad
for and at the same time disgusted with N. She even 
jumped around and kicked him which was pretty funny. and hard not
to laugh at.  SNCF. Stopping Now at Rennes.
am sitting in window seat, but actually assigned aisle, a woman said
some stuff which I guess was no you can sit in the window seat 
or something and I made a questioning grunt and
moved around. If I was tireder maybe I could sleep. There 
was a thud, I suppose they hooked another piece of train up to this one.
some people just hurried by. QTIPS are nice to clean your ears with.
It is kind of sad to be leaving but maybe it only really hits one
later, a little now, a little later. Coming here, I had been here
a while and it slowly sank in so to speak with bursts of special
awareness. Automatically I feel somewhat inhibited by someone
sitting immediately to my left. K had called last night
and I didn't want to talk to her, then I suddenly felt the sad need 
to say goodbye. I really wonder if my hand on her thigh made her 
go away. Good to have the mattress pad to myself, yet I really
did miss her presence somehow even if I did sleep better. Here on
the TGV going so fucking fast past vast field of farms rivalling even
those that are in America. Flat & big and even now green. Two men standing
Their Golden Retriever chasing the train, left in the past as if standing still
Since I'm looking back, and it was close, I only saw 2 or 3 bounds
of the running dog. Sometimes we ride on a bed built up, sometimes
between one or two earth walls or down in a huge ditch. We just went
up to go over a road then down again with slight butterfly
even on the gentle slope from so much speed. Still I'm tired. Next to the
road we pass cars ever so quickly. To Paris on the motorway is 200F
toll. It makes this 334F train seem cheap. I had such difficulty
deciding whether or not to throw away my 6F Metro ticket just to
see the fucking Eiffel tower. Well I'm right glad that I did even if lots of it
are covered in green cloth stuff. It smells of urine here on this the
bench closest to the RER platform. here by the river it's Nice, or rather
Paris. in Springtime. and that Eiffel tower. Something absolutely pointless
to symbolize your city. What a great thing. That's all it is is a symbol.
These pigeons want something from me and in a few minutes they
might get it. I hope they like that Rye black shit more than I do.
Those TGV tunnels actually hurt my ears at times. I really wonder 
if I'll ever fuck again. I'd like to, but the chances have been getting

diary page 5 

slimmer and slimmer. This warm sun is very nice. I like it. I've
heard English, French & German in the past few minutes. But it's
nicely chilly. Parisian Spring I suppose. It's just past 12 o'clock. I wish I had
a cigarette, or some sex. Large riverside homes are here. A sightseeing
boatload of tourists Pont de l'Alma Bateaux Mouche. Anyway one is
called FIDUGA and FRALDE and another Alphonse. Maybe this really
long one is called Connexus[?] & it has a nice pot of bamboo & other
pots & other plants on it. Well fuck, seems like you gotta pay to get to
Orly, whether 23 or 25 or 38F, pay. but on this Orly Bus outta Denfert
Rochereau it says Please Compost as you get on your Orly Bus ticket.
A guy just had 43 F for two, it would be 46F but he & his friend
had their last money. I give you a dollar? says he & it worked out
okay. Orly isn't that far away, so why is it such a hassle to get to.
This 747 is practically empty. I have 3 seats to myself, but actually
there's a block of 20 empty right around me. I just slept for a 
while. I missed the distribution of meals. I hope there is one left 
for me. Maybe I didn't miss it at all. Those stupid earphones
hurt my ears. I just drank the last of my French eau or 
water as we say in English. I wish I would have shaved
Now lots of flight attendant excuse me's & and the meals come. Well now I'm
quite full. Today I've actually eaten a good bit. Muesli coffee cheese
a little black bread, black bread cheese sand., cheese baguette sand. yogurt
PIA, cheese sand., P nuts, tea, Pakistani meal of Murgh Mughlai.
We just now approaching the coast of Canada after flying over 
frozen ocean for a long while. This toothpick has a salty taste
and a red end. Wow lots of snow & roads down there & a little airport
looks like driving tracks across the ice. I can see the vapor trail 
just forming. I wonder what it is we're over. Newfoundland
Nova Scotia? I can not tell from the map at least not yet.
I went for a shit had to wash the seat first, rinsed off my face
felt good. Now Rocket Boy or whatever that movie is kinda dumb 
but what the hell. I can see 3 movie screens at once here[?]. In fact
I'd say real dumb. They are all yellow or reddish. The woman
in it has big tits though. If that's any consolation, and it's not. Through
Holland Tunnel Now some Motorcycle has ___
on or ____ a car or it's ____  Now on 78 toward
Midway. Reminds me of R J. I was driving like[?]
mad[?] infected by ____ &/or NY driving & this car responds
so well to my feelings & desire. Just saw about 7 deer
grazing around mile 25[?] on I78 no ____ F__. Sign
"Jesus is Excellent" Here I am in Trainer's Midway
Diner, the famous. There were some NJ chicks in a blue Honda
and I couldn't tell if they were playing cat & mouse or not.
There are some cute waitresses & hostesses here. The fries are shitty
tasting. Really. The egg & cheese sandwich was ok, but would have
been so much better with onions & toasted breads & cheddar cheese &
real whole wheat too. I could write so much about this place,

the jazzy music, the cologne & rubber machine & scale with lucky
#'s in the
toilet, and the baseball capped counter patrons and
the waitress/hostess customer discussions "I mean if I was
raped, I'd probably keep the child, I was brought up 
Catholic" "I was a fine arts major 3 years at Pittstown, but
with economics the way they are I switched to psychology"
The hostess is over there talking about 3rd trimester abortion
while a waitress says "The $2 ham steaks are good" great.
I think I could sit here a long time if I was drinking coffee.
Now M is driving my car on 95 N to Wash DC
to B Brower's to spend the night, to then drive up to
NYC to see S's Icarvs play with B & J.
Now I am sitting in M's private kitchen/V room, great high
ceilings and brick wall with large fireplace. Lot's of glass,
and antiquee[?] things, three boxes of tissues stacked on top of each
other, yellow box, blue box, tan box, all flowery. M is B's 
landlord. Academy Restaurant. 69 Lafeyette Brooklyn. So much shit,
for instance, church bells, waiter fat effeminate, great time[?]. Klutz he
says, he is, knows S, not name. Big J J is what they call
S's girlfriend C's Dad. Big guy. American as apple pie.
Sitting on a stand pipe on Broadway & 12th St., just outside
the Strand bookstore. S, J, B & M still in the book
store. This is not comfortable, the car is only a block away. S
just noted that I should note (and is now checking to
see to hope to note) that he came out & went to the car & 
came back & has a green suit on that looks like almost a
bellhop uniform. STANDPIPE ABC-209-32-SAU. Pratt Coffee 
Shop. Self Seating. M's babbling insecurities. S has a box of 
kitchen matches with cigarettes in. Fuck. Now it's a week gone
by and life goes slowly quickly now. at the Naro for 
Scent of a Woman. People clapped after the Tango in spite 
of themselves, fucking carried away. It's kind of like
torture to watch these films, but what the hell. Double 
feature. A Few Good Men is next. I got a book of 10 tonight
since I'm in it for the long hall. There's oh so many high
school girls here. I'd like to fuck some. A Few Good Men
was actually surprisingly good. I think I liked it more than a
scent of a woman. Johnny Suede was really good actually
all in Brooklyn. I've had this out trying to write. I'm in
Cabaret Voltaire. Had a cup of coffee, played chess, won.
Talking lots about this and that. NY, S, car, crazy etc.
Now I'm sitting in the parking lot of Arnolds waiting 
for M to get the Subway sandwich we will dine 
on this late night. Now at the Naro again. This time Bad
Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel. waiting. again[?] M & 
C is it. I can't remember just now. Cabaret Voltaire with